Wondertrash®

It looks like the woman who has everything might soon get yet another wish granted. Oprah Winfrey has been on the outs with Rachel Ray for awhile. This stems from Rays mercenary attitudes: hypes herself as a marketing pitch woman, rather than being a good team player for the Oprah Family. Then there were those mildly racist comments that a slightly drunken Ray made about her boss. Though Ray's contract is locked up tight - the Big O has been looking for an excuse to swing the ax in her direction, and now Ray has generously provided it (and they said she wasn't a team player!).

One of Ms Ray's many forays into the world of product endorsement involved the promotion of Dunkin Donuts as part of a healthy well balanced diet. As if our kids weren't fat enough with McDonald's and sedentary pass times like the Internet. Ms Ray appeared in the ad making a bold fashion statement. She was wearing a head scarf that resembled the keffiyeh (and they say you can't learn anything reading the Enquirer!). That lunatic fringe of the Internet, know as the conservative blogosphere, was quick to pounce. Michelle Malkin, who gained some fame by taking on Rosie O Donnell over her 'ching chong' routine, and for being a hottie, pointed out that the scarf resembled the head gear of choice for Arab terrorists, and then questioned Ray's loyalty to the good ole USA. Now that's an argument that would've been laughed at in the McCartney Hearings, during the height of the witch hunts. No one's laughing now though. Perhaps Malkin lacks the true comic delivery of an Ann Coulter?

Between Michelle Malkin and the Internet, word spread that Ray was sending out some kind of subliminal message, and it didn't have anything to do with donuts. The keffiyah is a symbol of Palestinian terrorism, Malkin insisted. So Dunkin Donuts went and pulled the spots, even though American troops wear the keffiyah as protection from the desert sun. Well at least Homeland Security hasn't started playing the commercials backwards looking for reverse masking.

Rachel does have her defenders, in the form of her father Jim Ray. Jim says: "This is the most ridiculous fuss about nothing," - well at least he's been paying attention - "Rachel doesn't deserve any of the criticism leveled at her! Some people claim that she was sending a message. That's rubbish. If my daughter has a point to make she will step up and say it! She doesn't pussy foot around!" If Rachel is anything like Jim I can believe, just based on the sheer number of exclamation marks in Jim Ray's statement. As an aspiring writer I have to admire a man with an interest in punctuation, but perhaps he can move on to the semi colon; or even the question mark?

Meanwhile Oprah is back at Harpo Central Control, scheming away against Ray. She has weapons more fearsome than over used punctuation marks too. While Oprah's publicist insists that "there is no rift between Ray and Oprah," - oh go on and insult our intelligence - insiders say that Oprah is already working on new projects with Dr Mehmet Oz ( sounds like an Arab! I hope that this isn't another subliminal message!), and Kirstie Alley (A Scientologist - the plot thickens! Then again I'd give Oprah the benefit of the doubt here. Kirstie really, really needs work!). It seems that the writing is on the wall, and that Rachel is being written out. With her 15 minutes entering overtime, Ray may have to join other past Oprah projects and TV also rans like Deepak Chopra, the authors of the Secret, James Frey, and Dr Sleazy Phil McGraw. Of course there's no shame in having misjudged some one, or even a whole bunch of people. That's why pencils have erasers. However if Oprah could curb her enthusiasm, she might not get herself into these predicaments. Plus the American viewing public might be spared the creation of many tiresome new celebrities.

Now Rachel maybe sending out dangerous signals, but they have nothing to do with terrorism. The UN has just issued a statement blaming world hunger on obese westerns. Those who are part of the problem - and they know who they are, if they can out down the tub of ice cream long enough to read this - won't know whether this is an inconvenient truth, or a big fat lie.

According to the UN, the big, fat fuckers ('big,fat fuckers' is not official UN terminology - you have to read between the lines) consume 18 percent more calories than everyone else. Their consumer habits also skew food production away from low end third world staples like rice, as producers try to cash in on self indulgent gluttony. Now this isn't even considering the drain on the health care system, from 'fat' related diseases, nor the carbon foot print from hauling their fat asses, and their grub, around.

So how do you know if you're part of the problem? Most would say that a quick glance in the mirror should clarify things. Then again you might be big boned. What about all the overweight people who claim that they eat normally but can't loose the weight? The best way is to look directly at you're eating habits. Take a look at the following instructional video. If you'er eating habits are similar, then you might have some re evaluating ot do.

Post Script: Did Bill Hit It?

Perhaps the most genuinely alarming thing about Rachel Ray is her resemblance to Monica Lewinsky, politically speaking that is.