Wondertrash®

Madonna insists she has never thought of herself as a natural beauty: "I see myself as practical and handsome, and useful. I don't think of myself as a great beauty. But I think of myself as stylish." The BBC entertainment critic Clive James described her as "She sings better than she looks, she dances better than she sings, and everybody knows a girl who's a better dancer". As time goes by that would seem to leave Madonna no where to go but down. However Madge the Vag doesn't see it that way. She says "I like the way I look better now. My thighs aren't as chubby. I'm not kidding. I'm being perfectly honest." We've come to expect nothing less that perfect honesty from the Material Girl.

Though Madge feels that she's mellowing with age, like a fine wine, others suspect that she's in denial. Maybe she's even getting a little senile or soft in the head. For instance, in addition to her age defying boasts, Madge has said plenty of other silly things too. At one point she let it slip that her sex life with benighted husband Guy Ritchie, was in a slump. Madge of course blamed Guy's kooky cookie diet for the problem. Seems that he'd gone in for one of these fad weight loss gimmicks, in which you eat nothing but low calorie - high nutrient biscuits. Madge seems to think that's what took the piss out of him. I'm inclined to wonder whether he just finally got a good look at her with the lights on. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Madge has also been working out like a little gym demon, too. It started during preparation for one of her Grammy performances, a year or so back. Madonna was feeling a little insecure, and feared that her performance wouldn't be up to snuff. So she started intensive training. It was so intensive that she ruptured herself, and wound up with a hernia. Never one to miss the spotlight, Madge performed anyway, though in excruciating pain, and probably a truss. What a trooper - she's like your edgy, scary grandma!.

You've probably noticed the results of Madonna hi-impact fight against the clock too. Recent photos show her as muscled up as a cart horse, and sporting a pair of biceps like Sarah Jessica Parker. Well she should look buff, because she spends hours a day in the gym tormenting herself. Her good pal Gwyneth Paltrow tags along of moral support.

However there's more behind Madonna's new beefed out physique than pumping iron. Rumor has it that Madge has resorted to steroids, to give her the angry energy and motivation required to punish herself for hours a day, every day. Madge, again in that spirit of perfect honesty, has admitted to using a topical 'spread on' steroid cream. The man juice is then absorbed directly through the skin. That gives her the little added edge, just like our Olympic athletes have come to rely to win their tainted medals. Knowing Madge as the fanatic she is, it wouldn't be surprising is she was abusing the synthetic growth hormone, too (At least she isn't taking the ground up testicles of teen age males in her morning smoothie. Baby, stick with the Aveeno!). It's the very latest age management therapy for over the hill baby boomers. Sylvester Stallone even got into some serious shit down in Australia when customs officials found a whole whack of syringes, and vials of the hormone, in his luggage. They wanted to know exactly what he was injecting himself with. Stallone was finally able to reassure them that it wasn't dangerous illegal drugs, but merely dangerous anabolic steroids, and prescribed for him by one of Hollywood's finest and most expensive quacks. They didn't really need to ask, since in Stallone's case you can tell just by looking. He presently resembles 230 pounds of spoiled liver!

What about Madge? She claims that she looks better than every before, and is in her handsome useful prime (that's gotta be the steroids talkin'). Though she is never anything less than honest, you don't need to take her word for it. Just see for your self in the picture below!

Putting perfect honesty aside, Madonna goes on to admit: "I don't look at old pictures of myself. I don't look at pictures of myself from last week. Once I've approved of them, they're gone." I never suspected her of being so image shy. I rather imagined her these days standing in front of the mirror, wearing a thong, and rubbing herself in baby oil, as she strikes one body builder pose after another. Again in the spirit of honesty, she's more muscular than Arnold Schwarzenegger these days! You keep on truckin' Vera de Milo!

A little Jim carey trivia: as a boy he sued to pick on weaker kids in school. This sounds bad until your realize that he was very insecure. His family were dirt poor. His first job was as a night janitor in a factory. He'd get so frustrated with his lot inlife, that he'd trash the equipment with a baseball bat. He'd then cover by telling his supervisor half baked stories like "the floor buffer got out of control".

Carey wanted to make good, not just for himself, but to make his parents proud. His father died just as Carey was making it big. Rumor has it that he placed his first 20 million paycheck in his father's breast pocket, att he funeral home, and that it was buried with him.

Comic based movies are the current craze in Hollywood. They are so popular that they have even managed to revive the career of Robert Downey Jr. As for me, I'm waiting for the penultimate comic based movie:

Wondertrash thought of the day: Success is exceeding your life expectancy. Take it from the Disco Dudes!

Remember that if life is a game, then the name of the game is Stayin Alive!