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Post details: Livin' La Vida Lohan

05/18/08

05:23:43 pm, by Jang-chub Ozer, 829 words, 114 views

Categories: News

Livin' La Vida Lohan

I only laugh when it hurts

Dina Lohan says that just because rumors that her daughter is a lesbian are laughable, doesn't mean that they still don't hurt. Are you following so far? Lindsay Lohan has been linked, perhaps romantically, to DJ Samantha Ronson for some time. In fact they started hanging around together about the same time Lindsay went off the rails with cocaine. Readers will be familiar with that incident, because when Lindsay was arrested for possession, she claimed that she was innocent because the pants she were wearing - in which the cocaine had been found - weren't hers. Ronson was at the scene of that crime, and has remained pretty close to Lindsay ever since.

Dina Lohan: She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry

Wondertrash Although not yet 20, Ali Lohan already has the coarse and hardened look of a middle aged tramp. She applies her make up the same way too! Well Dina, recent voted one of Long Island's most outstanding parents (I wonder what competition she beat out, that Austrian guy who kept his daughter in a cellar for 27 years, or the teenager who gave birth in a rest room, and then left her baby in the toilet so that she could go to her prom?), says that these accusations are ridiculous. Says Mother Lohan: "It's so silly. We actually laugh about it now. It really does hurt ... but you develop a thick skin. You have to ignore it." (Maybe that thick skin is the result of Botox abuse!) Dina gave the interview to Extra, while hyping her new reality TV show "Living Lohan", and featuring train wreck in the making, Lindsay's kid sister Ali. This show sounds promising, since viewers will be able to watch Ali go from a mixed up kid with an outside chance at turning out half way normal; into a substance addicted, bar hopping slut. You will actually be able to see the Dina Lohan touch at work as you watch. While the show must peek the public's morbid curiosity - in the same way that video footage of car accidents does - there really oughta be a law against this sort of thing. Child exploitation was outlawed in coal mines over 100 years ago, but Hollywood - the town that is out of touch because it cares so much - is still catching up

Mini Slut Onslaught - a plague of Old Testament proportions!

Between Britney, Miley, and Lindsay American parents can't seem to whore out their daughters fast enough. If this were the Old Testament, we might have to fear the retribution of an angry God. As it is we will have to brace ourselves for an onslaught of tarted out, slutted up little mini whores. I'm not sure which might be worse: disaster sometimes brings out the best in people, while these little tramps look like they're gonna drag us into the gutter with them. On the up side Dina will be fresh out of daughters to destroy, after she's through messing up Ali. Thank God for small mercies. One thing that we can take from all this is: at least we know what would've become of JonBenet Ramsey, had she lived.

JonBenet Ramsey was a Britney Spears in the making, until she was over taken by another kind of tragedy.

That JonBenet case had a real Twin Peaks character to it, only more so. The TP producers never thought of a child beauty queen as the victim. It appears that truth is still stranger than fiction, and consequently less believable.

Warning to Children

Children, if you dare to think
Of the greatness, rareness, muchness
Fewness of this precious only
Endless world in which you say
You live, you think of things like this:
Blocks of slate enclosing dappled
Red and green, enclosing tawny
Yellow nets, enclosing white
And black acres of dominoes,
Where a neat brown paper parcel
Tempts you to untie the string.
In the parcel a small island,
On the island a large tree,
On the tree a husky fruit.
Strip the husk and pare the rind off:
In the kernel you will see
Blocks of slate enclosed by dappled
Red and green, enclosed by tawny
Yellow nets, enclosed by white
And black acres of dominoes,
Where the same brown paper parcel -
Children, leave the string alone!
For who dares undo the parcel
Finds himself at once inside it,
On the island, in the fruit,
Blocks of slate about his head,
Finds himself enclosed by dappled
Green and red, enclosed by yellow
Tawny nets, enclosed by black
And white acres of dominoes,
With the same brown paper parcel
Still untied upon his knee.
And, if he then should dare to think
Of the fewness, muchness, rareness,
Greatness of this endless only
Precious world in which he says
he lives - he then unties the string.

-- Robert Graves

Wondertrash Bogus Zen: In a parallel reality JonBenet Ramsey is getting out of rehab, and considering an offer to pose nude in Playboy. Meanwhile the public is still trying to figure out who killed child beauty queen Britney Spears. Her mother, Lynn, looks good for it. The inhabitants of that universe can only ask themselves what their Britney might have become, if she'd lived long to reach her full potential.

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