Wondertrash®

Susan Olsen is bridging the gulf between bland TV fantasy and sordid reality by tabloid scandal, and litigation! Susan played the youngest daughter Cindy on TV's Brady Bunch. The show portrayed an unreal world of domestic harmony and bliss, in a world of 70's style 'pop' decor, polyester, wall to wall shag carpeting and wall to wall smiles. The show has even been spoofed for it's unreal, "Walton's on Valium" portrayal of middle class American life in a couple of parody films. Those movies were also actress Shelly Long's last stab at post Cheers stardom.

What viewers of the series long suspected has been confirmed by Olsen's own very messy divorce- that the show was too good to be true. 46 year old Olsen, and her estranged husband Mitchell Skelly have fallen out, and are trying to reach some sort of resolution through that last resort, the divorce courts. The mud is being slung fast and furious, and in both directions too!

For instance husband Mitchell is petitioning the court - Federline style - to overturn custody rulings in favor of Olsen. What could possess a man to try and come between a mother and her son? Malice probably, but also startling allegations that little Cindy Brady is about as unfit a mother as Britney Spears. For instance Mitchell claims that Olsen is a raging drunk, who squirted their son in the eyes with Fabreeze fabric odor remover. You'll understand why the Fabreeze is kept so handy be the following accusations: that Olsen's house is contaminated with cat urine and feces! By contaminated Mitchell means 'brown stains on the rug'!

The plot sickens. Mitchell goes on to accuse his wife of being an out of control drunk. "I have witnessed her drinking to the point of intoxication" Skelly says, and goes on to claim that she feels free to imbibe in front of their young son. What's worse, like many drunks, Olsen has taken to hiding vodka around her home - Lindsay Lohan style -by emptying out soda bottles and refilling them with the clear, odorless alcohol. She's none too particular about where she leaves the evidence either, and on more than one occasion has left booze on the coffee table and with in reach of their child.

Now Mitchell ought to know where of he speaks, since he too is an alcoholic. Mitchell goes on to claim that the difference between him and Olsen is that he's getting treatment for his condition, while Olsen is content to wander about dazed, drunk, and surrounded by cat piss. Not surprisingly Susan Olsen claims that her husband has misrepresented the situation. However instead of clarifying, she goes on to toss accusations around in every direction. For one thing she claims that Mitchell is not receiving treatment for his problems, and that he dropped out of AA. This is a bit surprising, since Mitchell has lots of free time to work on those issues. He quit his job to play the stock market. That's probably why Mitch is also filing for spousal support. I don't have to tell you that the stock market ain't payin' off the way that it used to! As for all those accusations about cat shit and Fabreeze, well Olsen can explain that too. She says the boy lies, probably to get attention. She does take in cats, but the stain on the rug was made by the boy. Now that will get attention. I don't know whether it qualifies Olsen as a fit mother or not.

The custody battle that never ends has been going on since 1999. There are further hearings scheduled this month. We can expect a rehash of the same allegations, and perhaps even some fresh material. By the sounds of things, the couple's son is in a bad way whomever he gets placed with. They might as well just send him over to the Spears to be reared up! on the up side, this could make one hell of a reality TV series!

THE WORLD'S HARDEST RIDDLE

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Higher education really is something isn't it? As a university drop out, I figure my chances of cracking it are about 50-50. The trouble is that there is never a Kindergarten student around when you need one. The answer to this brain teasing riddle will be posted tomorrow.

Wondertrash thought of the day:

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy
(1828-1910)