Wondertrash®

When the Rev Jeremiah Wright shocked America with his inflammatory rhetoric, Barak Obama had to quickly distance himself from a potential political embarrassment. The Senator was quick to drop the firebrand preacher, and find himself new spiritual counsel. After all you can't run for President while your preacher is saying things like "God Damn America", even if it was said for dramatic effect. Obama spokespersons were quick to stamp out the fire clarify, pointing out that the preacher's opinions in no way reflect the Senator's. Barak might have more easily sloughed it off by saying "I had no idea he was saying this sort of thing. I mean who pays attention in Church?" Voters might find that not only believable, but reassuring; since America is suspicious of the genuinely religious. Then again no one really believes that Obama has any serious problem with white folks, since his own mother is one.

Well now it seems like John McCain has his own preacher problems, and these are doozies. McCain has been sniffing around Texas fundamentalist John Hagee for support. He's hoping that Hagee will instruct his loyal parishioners to do the Lord's will and vote Republican on election day. Now Hagee isn't the sort of preacher who say "God damn America" in the pulpit, but he will say a lot of other outrageous stuff.

For instance Hagee says that hurricane Katrina was caused by New Orleans hosting a gay parade. The good reverend's exact words were, and I quote, "I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and that they were recipients of that judgment of God for that. There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that Katrine came. And the promise of that parade was that it was to reach a level of sexuality never before demonstrated in any Gay Pride Parade. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing." The pastor makes God sound like the sort of no fun spoil sport who might be as opposed to parades, as to homosexuality. Still the statement is not as outrageous as it at first seems. At least he qualified it with "I believe", instead of claiming it as some kind of direct divine revelation. As for cities with an unacceptable level of sin, I wonder how the Almighty has missed out on Washington DC? Now there's one guy who just blew his chance at an invitation to Bohemian Grove.

Strangely enough, for a man so opposed to homosexuality, he also doesn't seem too fond of the fair sex. Hagee has said, concerning women, "You know the difference between a woman with PMS and a Doberman Pincher? Lipstick." He goes on, "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with terrorists." Since the pastor is a married man, of many years, perhaps we can give him a pass on that one. Besides, he seems to be on the right side of the terrorist issue.

The pastor comments aren't limited to gender orientation or gender equality. He also has dabbled in literary criticism. It seems that the popular Harry Potter books have peeked his ire (not a hard thing to do from the sounds of him). What could he possibly find objectionable about these books, apart from the sheer enjoyment that they've given to millions of readers? Well Hagee says, "The whole purpose of the Potter books is to desensitize readers and introduce them to the occult." Fortunately he seems unfamiliar with video games, since he might never recover from that shock. Also I'm guessing that he's no fan of Elizabeth Montgomery and Bewitched. He may have a point: reading is a dubious habit, that introduces people to potentially dangerous ideas, and takes valuable time away from the shooting range!

We know what pastor Hagee thinks about most issues, since he isn't shy about sharing a piece of his mind with anyone who will listen, and many who would rather not. What does John McCain think about Hagee? McCain has said of the fiery Texas preacher, I think that he's a fine leader and I appreciate his commitment to Israel." McCain made that remark on his campaign plane back in February, according to Reuters. Though it must be said that McCain also said that he wasn't familiar with most of Hagee's teachings. Some one must've clued him in, because later on McCain qualified himself on Hagee. McCain stated, "It is important to note that Pastor John Hagee, who has endorsed my candidacy, supports what I stand for and believe in. When he endorses me, it doesn't mean that I embrace everything that he stands for and believe in." Well that's sort of reassuring - in a non committal kind of way.

While Barak has made a clean break from his former pastor, to hear John Hagee talk you'd think that he and McCain as still as thick as thieves. Hagee boasts in the New York Times, "It's true that John McCain's campaign sought my endorsement." nor has McCain tried to distance himself from Hagee. It seems that there is some unswerving blind support to be had amongst the religious extremists. Just look how the religious fanatic angle has worked for America's enemies. If that works for Al Qaida, then why shouldn't the Republicans also avail themselves of that advantage? If you fight fire with fire, then combating crazy with crazy might be an idea crazy enough to work. Besides, the good old days when ministers were bland, slightly inspirational, and only mildly disapproving are probably far behind us.

The news has just broke that John Edwards is the latest to endorse Senator Barak Obama for president. That makes just about everyone, with the possible exceptions of John McCain and George W Bush. So as dogged Hilary soldiers on, observers asks themselves - and each other "What the hell is she thinking??".

While Hilary tried hard to stay focused, professional commentators are asking what reality she lives in. A split from reality is never a good sign in a potential world leader. In fact she's beginning to resemble the character in those old Burt Reynolds Cannon Ball Run movies - not the Burt Reynolds character, but another in the same film. The film features, appropriately enough, a cross country race - but a real race, and not a figurative political one. Racers, in all manor of vehicles, compete and bend the rules to see who will cross the finish line first and take home a 1 million dollar prize.

Naturally the race draws a good cross section, from smooth operators like Burt, to the usual array of down market Bond Girls like Catherine "Daisy Duke" Bach and Loni Anderson. In addition to the bargain basement beautiful people, there have to be a few boobs and buffoons to laugh at. It is Hollywood - the Town With a Heart - after all. Among the boobs is always one guy who looks like Bill Gates, acts like he has Asperger's Syndrome, rides a hopelessly out of date motor cycle, and wears a pair of bug eyed goggles. He hits every brick wall, pit fall, and idiot trap that there is along the way, but manages to avoid getting completely knocked out of the race. He can't be stopped, but he can't win. In that great ejaculation of competitors, he's the 'wonky sperm'!

Not that I'm comparing Hilary to the 'wonky sperm' in the Gumball Run movies of 30 years ago. At some of her more desperate moments she can come across as almost Churchillian, especially now that she's developing a bulldog jowl. "We shall fight in the beaches, we shall fight on the fields, we shall fight in the streets, we shall fight until the last dog is dead. We shall never surrender." She only needs a good sized cigar to chomp, to complete the effect. I believe that her husband Bill keeps some on hand for nefarious various purposes (I'd think twice before actually smoking one. You can't be sure where they've been, though there are all kinds of rumors!).

The major difference is that Sir Winston Churchill was rallying a nation to oppose a mad man. Hilary Clinton risks splitting her own party in her own personal quest for power. The Democrats, after 8 years of George W, seemed to be a slam dunk, lead pipe cinch, in the upcoming Presidentials. Now some people are talking as if John McCain, the pilot who couldn't fly straight, may have an outside chance.

What's worse, we all know that if the tables were turned, Hilary would be trying to shame Sen Obama out of the race, and telling him to drop out for the sake of party unity. "Take one for the team" (Much the way George Bush took advantage of Al Gore's basic honesty to cheat him out of the Presidency back in 2000). When Hilary herself is faced with a similar decision - put the Democratic Party's interests ahead of her own, and drop out for the sake of unity, her response seems to be "what do you think I am, stupid?" You can't live with Bill for all those years and not know the score. There's that 'political experience' she's talking about, the kind of experience that makes change sound so inspiring. Will Hilary finally wake up and smell the coffee on her own, or is it time to deal this joker out of the deck? Observers are already wondering which 'movie character' she more resembles - the indefatigable hero who perseveres against all odds and is ultimately vindicated; or 'the creature' from the horror movies - the one that won't die. Even Richard Nixon knew when it was time to quit, and Hilary hasn't even gotten around to her last minute histrionics!.

Here's wishing you Happy Underpants, each and every one.

Wondertrash Bogus Zen: When you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail; for an edge is nothing without something to use it on.

Mindy McCready has gotten herself into the public eye recently, by admitting to an affair with baseball all star Roger Clements. Mindy was under aged when this occurred, and I by underage I mean 15. While most people think that this makes Clements look pretty bad - and what more could you expect from a steroid using cheater! - her ex boyfriend, Billy McKnight has an interesting take on this.

According to Billy, Mindy is an enormous phony without a genuine bone in her body. She has no problems saying anything, sleeping with anyone, or doing what ever it takes in furtherance of her career ambitions. Now according to McKnight, Mindy once again has an angle in this Roger Clements story. It seems that she's planning a new album, plus a reality TV show, and needs to drum up some publicity!

You see Mindy's no little angel. She's been arrested a slew of times on drinking driving and drug related charges. In addition to patronizing bars, she's also served time behind bars. According to McKnight, this is just the sort of publicity that she needs - the kind that portrays hers as unsophisticated and possibly a victim, instead of the kind that portrays her as a drunken drugged out slut and a hell raiser! If she can actually drum up some public sympathy, she might even get another shot at the brass ring!

Now when it comes to Ms McCready and her special brand of mayhem, Billy-boy knows where of he speaks. They dated for almost a year and a half. That is until their relationship blew up in the usual McCready fashion. McCready accused McKnight of beating her. That's left McKnight with a chip on his shoulder and singing the blues - as a warning - to anyone who will listen. According to Bill, this is just the pathetic sort of person that McCready has proven herself to be time and time again!

Mindy McCready ain't the only spunky little blonde who'll say or do what ever it takes. As for sleeping with any one - she's slept with Bill Clinton at least once. So when she says she got experience, no one can doubt it. It's just that a lot of Clinton experience is in the form that can be put into letters to Penthouse. Here's an amusing look at 'boozer, a user, and an 14 carat loser' courtesy of Zaiusnation. Drop in on them for the whole story and more amusing pix.

Now you can't tell me that Hilary Clinton doesn't shop at the Comfort Zone! I wonder if they can get Amy Sedaris to play Hilary in the inevitable movie?? I really like Gary Busey as Bill. What a pairing!

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.

Elisabeth Marbury (1856-1933)
Theatrical producer and agent

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)
Cleric and writer

So what does it take to get Barbara Walters into the sack? These days probably a defribulator and more life insurance than your average millionaire can afford. Back in her juicy prime and sexual hey day any guy with intelligence, class, and charm had a fair shot. If he was wealthy, powerful, and already married, then so much the better! Barbara reveals in her new autobiography Audition: A Memoir that Walters could slut it up with the best, or worst, of them.

For instance Barbara recalls her first European trip, just after finishing at Sarah Lawrence College. The European vacation has been a traditionally rite of passage for well heeled young Americans trying to shake off their 'provincial' roots, and soak up some continental sophistication. Needless to say many a young debutante has gone wrong that way. Barbara was top be no exception.

Alone and unsupervised in Rome, Barbara sunk her claws into an unsuspecting young Italian. In what was to become the pattern of a lifetime, Babs soon tired of him, and took up with a Frenchman. This was when Barbara first learned of the consequences of sex. She was horrified to learn that she had missed her period. Barbara says that abortion was definitely an option, although she doesn't explicitly say that she had one. What she does say was that there was a quick trip to London to see a specialist/surgeon, and then a ocean voyage back to the Land of the Free, during which she magically got her period again. Use your imaginations.

Nothing encourages you to push your luck like getting away with it once, and so Barbara embarked on her career as a companion to the high and mighty, with professional journalism as a profitable sideline. The first notch on her knickers was American business man Robert Katz. He proved an uninteresting paramour. In Babs' own words "I felt little sexual interest in him". Divorce, and abortion, are like the eraser in a pencil to the modern, active woman, and so after 3 years, Walters and Katz went their separate ways.

After that it was back to the Frenchmen, this time in the form of New York hotel executive Claude Philippe. Babs was impressed by is European sophistication, saying that "he knew all about wine and restaurants". Since he was also married, there was little danger of getting over involved.

Eventually she was ready to take the plunge again. That's where husband No 2 Lee Guber comes into the picture. With typical Dreamy eyed American romance Babs says that "Somewhere out there was the ideal man for me, but it wasn't Lee". Still they managed to stick it out for ten years.

Walters was ready for a change from European sophistication, and the security provided by American businessmen. This time she wanted a taste of the heady aphrodisiac that is political power. Married US Senator Edward Brooke was to be the man to give Walters her first taste of that particular love drug. Walters describes Brookes as "simply the most attractive, sexiest, funniest, charming and impossible man". Why Am I suddenly seeing Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey tormenting each other??

Since Brooke was married, this relationship afforded Walters all the fun of sneaking around, and the usual back door maneuvers. Babs herself off handedly describes it as the fascination of "the forbidden fruit and all that". Her insouciance almost leads you to wait for a following Yadda Yadda Yadda. The relationship was far from dull, as Brookes saw Walters at his Watergate Hotel office, not to mention his Virgina home. This went on for several years, until it started to dawn on Ms Walters that the relationship might not have much a future beyond the present.

After that her relationships were pretty much more of the same: a fling with Alan Greenspan, trysts with John Warner both before and after his Liz Taylor marriage, and Alan Ace Greenburg. The final serious relationship seems to have been her 1986 marriage to Merv Adelson. That relationship held on for 6 years.

No word on whether Barbara ever did find that ideal man, though she seems to have left no stone unturned. Through out her life she seems to have been content with repeating the same pattern of screw 'em and leave 'em. It does seem to have covered that angles: giving Walters the excitement of novelty, combined with the security - if not monotony - of a familiar routine. As for her chances of ever finding Mr Right, those seem to get slimmer, as the clock continues to run out. Don't fret Babs, cause you'll always have Paris, as well as a lifetime of sordid little incidents, to console you. Now they can't take that away from you. Only Alzheimers can do that. So much more the reason to get it in writing now, before the dirty details get too blurred!

That's Love American Style. Many of their cast of forgetables regulars weren't to find steady work again until the Love Boat set sail, almost ten years later. At least the show kept them busy, and off of infomercials, not to mention out of state politics!

So many memories, and none of them are mine! No wonder Gen X is so screwed up. We were raised on Happy Days and the Love Boat. We didn't stand a chance! Now back to youtube, to continue oogling Lynda Carter!

"Every single wedding fantasy I ever had was fulfilled, down to the most handsome groom in the history of the world!" Such was Star Jones over the top description of her over the top wedding to banker Al Renyolds. It had something else too, an iron clad prenuptial agreement. It's fortunate for Star that she wasn't completely blinded by romance, because now has the estranged couple square off for a divorce, that document may come in handy.

As their marriage publicly unravels, Star assures her fans (whomever they might be) that she's "going to be handling this with dignity and grace". She's also going to be handling it with a private investigator. Star fears that Al, who has gone from being the handsomest groom in the history of the world, to a shiftless and possibly gay ne'er do well in only 3 short years, is going to make a play for her 10 million dollar fortune. So she wants to make sure that she has all the shit on him at hand and ready to fly, should the occasion require that.

Star has good reason to be worried too. Although Al has publicly state that he too his going to comport himself as a class act during this trying period, and will be taking the high road, he has gone out and hired the meanest lawyer in the divorce racket - Stanford Lotwin. If the name sounds familiar, it because Stanford represented Donald Trump in his divorce from Ivana. That proceeding was considered more of a legal shit slinging match, than a 'moral high road' conducted with 'dignity and grace'. So if Al has a legal ace in the hole, why shouldn't Star deal herself a strong card, in the form of a PI?

As said, Star had an iron clad pre nup, in which Al would get a 50/50 split after 5 years of marriage. Star puled the plug on their arrangement with a year left on the contract, so Al has the paper work going against him. It's good that all her gushy school girl romance didn't stop her from working out the fine print. Still Star is worried about more that the legal technicalities of the case. She is terrified that Al is gong to try and do an end run around the pre nup and embarrass her, just like Trisha Walsh Smith did with her husband in their divorce proceedings. The thought that Al could blab about their bedroom shenanigans, or trot out some secret lover, horrifies her. Worse still is the possibility that Al might pen a tell all book about the details of their time together.

Star's main claim to fame was a brief period on The View with Barbara Walters. It was her marriage that cost her that spot. She began disgracefully pimping out the ceremony, so much so that a disgusted Walters gave Star her walking papers. Perhaps that should have been a clue that her marriage was a mistake. Star was too busy hustling to pay attention. She had set up a new deal with Court TV, in which the former prosecutor would provide commentary. That folded after a few months, and it looks like Star Jones has made all the money that she's ever going to make. Now that leaves her with a messy divorce as the only project on her agenda. Since Al is contesting, probably to get a big settlement, Star needn't worry too much about idle time. This could keep her busy and in the spotlight for months to come.

There's more trouble brewing for the Spears. It seems that no sooner has Jamie Lynn Spears gotten herself knocked up in the family way, then she starts developing a mind of her own(Young Jamie is just trippin' on girl power these days!). This is double trouble for Mom Lynne Spears, because now the pregnant teen ager feels she should have control of her assets. Mom doesn't think that this is such a good idea. After all, Lynn's big sister Britney is 10 years older, and even she is unfit to control her finances!

The bone of contention seemed to be a 300 000 house that Jamie Lynn was fixin' to buy with her boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Although Lynn is old enough to get herself pregnant, Mom still controls the purse strings (What an age we live in!). So Lynn had to phone Mamma and ask her for a slight raise in her allowance, to the tune of 6 digits. Lynne said no way, and that's when Jamie dropped her bomb - "Give me the money, or I'm moving in with the Aldridges".

Jamie and her soon to be mother in law have been getting on famously. They've been out on numerous shopping expeditions together. Jamie has even canceled plans with her Mom to spend more time with Joy Aldrige. Seems that Jamie is sick and tired of hearing her mom go on and on about Britney. Jamie is even getting so comfortable around joy that she doesn't hesitate to ask her for maternal advice. It's as if Joy was turning into the mom Jamie Lynn never had! It's great when a future mother and daughter in law get on so well. Then again when the daughter in law is worth umpteen million dollars, there's a big incentive to be nice!

Naturally when Lynn Spears heard that a fortune might be moving out of the family, she hit the panic button. She dropped what she was doing (What ever that is) and flew right back to Kentwood. Now Lynn can't be involved enough in her daughter's business. She's even planning the baby shower, and dropping a ton on gifts. It's as if she's making up for lost time, and showing young Jamie just how considerate a mother she can be - when something really important is at stake. rightly so too, since I can imagine that Lynne is near a nervous breakdown as she imagines the 'conniving' Aldriges trying to soften Jamie up, and get their paws on the girl's millions. Unless that sort of thing is nipped in the bud, Lynne won't so much be gaining a son in law, as she will be losing a fortune! It's a sad situation, but the only one I really feel sorry for is the innocent victim - Casey Aldridge. Oh yeah, and that kid that's about to get born into one of America's Most Dysfunctional Families!

No one would disagree that Angelina Jolie has a screw loose. She's based her whole career and image on being a potentially dangerous head case. She has admitted being a 'cutter' - some one who mutilates themselves to gain relief from their inner conflicts. She has also had a rocky love life. Her interest in bondage is no secret, and for a while she was a major player in the NYC BDSM scene. Jolie explained that sex games were a way of making sex more real.

She's also on her third major relationship, with partner Brad Pitt. The first was back in 1996, to her Hackers co star John Lee Miller. She jilted him in 1999 for her Pushing Tin co star Billy Bob Thorton. They were Hollywood's new original odd couple. In many ways this was her most colorful relationship. She and Billy Bob wore vials of each others blood, as a way of staying connected where ever they were. This was also when Jolie began her impulse adoptions, starting with Maddox. When she and Billy Bob split, she immediately had the paper work changed to make Brad his new daddy, instead of Billy Bob, who had already adopted him. Oh yeah, and there were all those creepy rumors about her brother John Haven, that she seemed so defensive about.

Angelina Jolie has even deliberately played off the crazy rep to hype her image. When her role as a schizophrenic in Girl Interrupted clicked with the public AJ knew the angle she had to play. Every time she opened her world famous over sized mouth, she uttered some new inanity, like having hired a hit man to kill her. Her explanation for that was that she wanted to spare her family the guilt associated with a suicide. Having her father, the slightly famous actor John Voight, threaten to commit her to a nut house only seemed to heighten her appeal and creditability. The tabloids talked about a father-daughter feud for a while, but as Jolie got more famous, Voight got busier. She certainly wasn't using her enormous influence to stop him from working.

The crazy girl act was fun for a while, but some where along the line, the sales resistant media savvy public seemed to catch on. Maybe it was her relationship with Brad Pitt. For a girl who 'didn't give a damn' (and that's why we loved her), she suddenly seemed very concerned about how the relationship could affect her image. She told a lot of lies too. She denied that she was with Pitt even after they'd been together for a year. She denied that she'd set out to trap Pitt on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, although she later admitted in an interview that she and Pitt were already intimate while filming the movie. Even now I don't think she has officially confirmed being with Pitt. Why bother now?

Jolie seemed to be equivocating more than Bill Clinton in front of a congressional impeachment hearing. That was odd behavior for a woman who claimed that she didn't care what people thought. Also for a woman who always presented her self as 'wild at heart', she seemed very clingy and dependent on a guy most people pegged as a dim wit, and mentally beneath her (In fact Brad's blank "L'il Abner gaze makes Keanu Reeves look deep in comparison).

So just when everyone was wondering whether there was any genuine crazy among the BS, the Jolie Drug Tape emerges. This hot little number was reputedly taped back in the 90's, just before Angelina broke through big. It features Jolie and some friends enjoying themselves on a night out. While they sit around the table talking, heroin is brewing up on a burner. When it's ready, Jolie slaps her enormous lips around the end of the pipe, and has a good draw. She then declares that the stuff is 'high grade shit', and not the 'cheapo crap that's been stepped on'. The lady knows her junk, and may even be a connoisseur. Then again Jolie seems to be an expert on high grade shit of all sorts.

Now Jolie has gone on to comment about her heroin days, with more of the usual gibberish. She says that she hates heroin, because she loves it (I guess that her feelings about adopting children and helping the world's underprivileged are less intense!). That's why she would never do it. Then again, every one who's ever done a yoga or meditation class over the past 25 years knows that paradox is a common dodge. 5 years ago people might have thought 'wow'. Now they're wondering if her veins are sticking out because she's back on smack. Man did her act ever get old! This may seem pretty blunt, but as a licensed fool, it's my job to say what everyone else is thinking. Besides, I think everyone's caught on that for a wild at heart gal, she does an awful lot of explaining.

Post Script: The Jolie heroin tape has sold over the Internet for $70 000, that's 10 000 more than the Marylin Munroe sex vid, and is expected to be resold for as much as $1 million! In Hollywood, fake crazy will beat real crazy every time! Then again, we haven't heard the last of Britney Spears yet. Alas, I still remember the good old days, when going crazy was only a way to stay out of the army, and not a career option. Homosexuality seems to be headed in the same direction.

Holy Toledo!